When I grow up

Talk of marriage and career seems to dominate my conversations with my best friends lately. Most strikingly though, is how, I, once a proud rebel of convention, have become more and more upset with not meeting (or being unlikely to meet) the conventional ideals that we've been raised to accept as the paths to a predetermined desired state. These ideals being: graduate, get a good job, secure it with benefits, settle down, have children; and do all this before you hit 30.

Hey, women don't age very gracefully, provided you have artificial, expensive, surgical aid. Secondly, my childbearing machinery isn't getting any younger and the babycentre tells me that I will be 25% more likely to be infertile at 30 than now. Third, where am I going to get the money to settle down if I don't have a well-paying job that I enjoy, and lastly, where the hell am I supposed to find this person to settle down with? Note that I also assume that this person has genes good enough to complement mine so that in time, our offspring can take over the world we will make good babies together.

Speaking with single friends like myself who are surrounded by other friends that are in relationships, engaged, or married, I find myself getting more and more upset with the profound lack of reassurance that I'm not heading for spinsterhood in the distant future. And, fearing that this may turn out to be a column reeking of Sumiko Tan-spinster wallowing trash, I now ask myself; when did I start to subscribe to these ideologies?

I thought I was past the age of youthful idealism, and perhaps I'm stuck in between that, and my adult aspirations. My energetic, young ego wants to go to grad school, come out and make a difference in my country, rise to an influential position and make things happen. My jaded self wants to bloody get a job and make some money, find myself a smart boyfriend and get married. Oh my gosh, I just did it, I sound like Sumiko Tan.

I am nervous, insecure, unsure about the future and my own capabilities to acheive those long-term goals. To make things worse, I've just abandoned all hope of having a stable relationship with someone I once thought to be the only one I'd ever want to be with. And to top it all off, people around me are being very happy with their other halves and getting married, and making big plans because they've gotten excellent job offers, even before they graduate.

But... but you're only young once. Satisfy your wanderlust, see the world, try every goddamned flavour in the frozen yoghurt section, check out the damned mixed grill buffet, life is too damned short.

Where are my own ideals? Is this it, just because everyone else is doing it, or is it because I just don't know what other option there is? And why am I thinking about all this shit when my thesis is due in a few weeks?!